failed

Hello! How's everyone doing? I am leaving for Tokyo-Los Angeles later, for a good 8days. Off days don't seem to be enough. I have never endless of errands to run, the necessary and the not-so-necessary *haha*, people I haven't met for hundredth year and I still couldn't find time to see them, leave for 2011 yet to ballot, room yet to revamp, and there seems to be thousand and one things on my mind, and sometimes I can just get lost like, so where should I start? *laugh*

Having to recall, I think I am quite bad with human relationships. The coming back home with a different heartbeat thingy that complicated everything that followed and things ended up to the ugly side, then a friend changed to my leave slot and I failed to fulfill whatever I was expected, though it wasn't officially spoken, I know the friend was disappointed. And there is this wedding of a childhood cum secondary school good friend, I have to shift my upcoming leave so that I can be around to be the sister to help out for the wedding. A girl friend has the same leave as me and I pretty much feel she was upset that I have to change the leave away for another friend's wedding. I was weighing the importance, and I really won't want to miss that important day of my good friend. I am hoping the girl friend can understand but it just seems like things aren't that easy to resolve. And last but not the least, the vicious cycle that never fails to haunt me and a friend. I think there must be a curse being spelled on us. Like seriously! Haven't gone through so much commotion with a friend before, even when we didn't meet up for very long, the curse seems to be working and acting even stronger, affecting every little bit of us. p/s: i know you are reading, :)

Like what I was being perceived, me getting on people's nerves, unknowingly, me failing to appreciate the thoughts and efforts people made, me, being too "me", messing up people's life. Maybe many people are already questioning my characters, sizing me up as a person. And to be frank, sometimes I am even doubtful of myself. Perhaps I am just not sensitive enough to people's feelings. Perhaps I am too reliant on expectations, expectations and more expectations. Perhaps it isn't that much of expectations on others, it's more on excuses for myself to stop getting what I shouldn't deserve.

At this point of time, I think I still fail at being who I am. I am not what people deem I am. It always seems like many people don't meet and come up with my expectations, but it's only today then I suddenly realise I actually did worse than them. I failed. I didn't meet people's expectations for a greater length, and just when I thought people disappoint me, I actually disappoint people even more, or rather all the times.

Life is such, huh.
Good night, till Narita.=)